alathria

desire and frustration

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 23:18:14 GMT

I am very frustrated with myself. I know its not really my fault, but that fact doesn't not seem to curb my frustration. Quite a vague beginning, let me explain more thoroughly. I have a definite fascination with anal sex. The thought of it is a big turn on for me. I enjoy watching porn that has anal sex in it and when it doesn't it severely lessens its appeal. I can honestly say anal has always had a certain allure. I believe that part of its allure is that to receive it is, in a sense, a very submissive act and that greatly appeals to me.

Lately I have been wanting to have anal sex quite badly. Unfortunately, it has not been working out that well. When we try it turns out to be very uncomfortable and painful for me and I can only do it for a very short amount of time, if at all. I have had anal sex in the past and I did not have the trouble with it that I am having now. I want it so badly. I want to give myself to him in this way. Just the thought of doing so is a huge turn on. So this is incredibly frustrating for me and I am very annoyed with myself. I know its not my fault but I still can't help feeling disappointed and annoyed with my inability to do this. I want it so badly.

longing

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 16:54:38 GMT

With my back acting up and this annoying knee injury I haven't been able to do much in the way of dance and contortion. It is really starting to get to me. All I want to do is go to the studio and dance my heart out. I want to be able to practice handstands for hours and stretch my back out in a way I haven't done in quite awhile. I miss it..

lions, dragons, and little sleep

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 08:55:33 GMT

I am trying to keep my self awake right now. My dreams have been bad lately and I don't want to go to sleep. I keep myself awake for as long as I can and when sleep finally overcomes me my hope is that my exhaustion will be so great that I will enter a black sleep where no dreams can bother me. I can only hope, though I do not think I will allow myself to sleep tonight.

I have been sick recently. It hit me last night when I did not expect it. I awoke from a nap feeling decent, it wasn't long after that I began to feel terrible. My whole body ached, my stomach hurt and my head was killing me. I couldn't even stand up straight my back hurt so much. I did not sleep the entire night. When I closed my eyes, my thoughts were like fire racing through my head. They had no sense or logic to them and they felt like they burned, if that makes any sense at all.

I bathed twice last night to try to help with how I was feeling. I wanted the heat from the bath to purge me and make me feel better. But I am no Daenerys and the heat did not make me stronger. I have no dragons blood running through my veins and the hotness of the water only made me feel listless and lightheaded. I thought of the Song of Fire and Ice series as I sat in the tub. I thought of Tyrion and I wondered if you must have the blood of the dragon in you to ride those powerful creatures. It is quite awesome to think of Tyrion riding besides Daenerys on one of her dragons. Flying high over the Seven Kingdoms to bring his vengeance in flames.

"Even a stunted, twisted, ugly little boy can look down over the world when he's seated on a dragon's back."

Its great to think about but it seems rather unlikely. Tyrion is a Lannister. The Lannisters were key in the downfall of the Targayens. It was Jaime Lannister who slew Aerys Targayen. It was Twyin Lannister and his men who killed Rhaegar's wife and two children. The little girl pulled from under the bed to face the swords, the infant son ripped from his mothers arms to have his head dashed against a wall. Those are not crimes easily forgiven. To bear the name Lannister would be enough to make Daenerys have Tyrion killed on the spot. But then again Tyrion is no ordinary man and he bears little love for his house. And Daenerys is not the usual Targayen, she can see the value certain people have and is willing to accept those she believes will greatly help her cause. But this is all just speculation of an exhausted mind. Tyrion and Daenerys may never even cross paths... but I can not help drooling over the thought of those two joining forces. Ahh but I think I have rambled enough and if I do not stop myself now I will keep going on and on. And I am too lazy to make a lj cut.

sleep and spanking

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 04:39:42 GMT

I am frelling exhausted, I feel like I need a weeks worth of sleep. Tonight I am going to try to get a decent nights sleep and tomorrow I will NOT be late for school. I've already had at least three people tell me today not to be late tomorrow. I have been slacking exceptionally well lately in regards to school and punctuality. I am really going to try to do better this week(today not included). My friends are all for me getting my as to school on time as well. My friend Sam has decided to take it upon herself to call me every morning to make sure I am getting up and I think my friend Jenny would drive to my house and drag me out of bed if she thought I would allow it. If my tardiness does not improve I think I might let her.

Patrick told me he would dominate me for a whole night if I was not late for the rest of the week. What makes me laugh is he had already promised me a night like that before this. So basically he is rewarding me with something he had already agreed to do anyways. As long as he spanks me like he did last night I don't care.

I realized last night that there are interesting differences to the types of spanking I receive. Normally I get spanked during sex, it adds to the sex and the spanking is not the primary focus, just an added extra. It is another thing entirely when the spanking is the sole focus. I asked Patrick to spank me last night as we were sitting on the couch together after sex. I don't know where the urge came from but it was very strong. When he asked why I deserved to be spanked I couldn't even give him a decent reason. I wish I had done something bad that deserved punishment, but I didn't. I just had this random desire for him to spank me. And he did. He put me over his knees and gave me ten smacks on each cheek. It felt fucking awesome. The pain was incredible. The intensity of each sting and the absence of distraction was a new experience for me and I loved it. I spent most of today wanting to be spanked again. Damn it, yet another thing for me to fantasize about.

lace me up

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 20:36:02 GMT

A picture of my new corset that I bought for last Wednesday's fetish night at this club called Hell. Its my first real corset and I love it. I have been dying to get a corset for the longest time and since I was going to this club on thier fetish night I used that as an excuse to finally buy one. I am very glad I did. Patrick toke the picture when we returned from the club. Shortly after doing so he put himself inside of me, for which I was very grateful. My sexual desire was very high at that point. It had been heightened by the fact that my beautiful friend had showed up at the club that night and I the pleasure of experiencing her mouth on my nipple and her hands on my body. Patrick's mouth had been on my neck, working me into quite a sexual frensy that was only made worse when her mouth replaced his not long after. Having both of them there and being able to touch, and be touched by both of them made me very happy. Afterwards Patrick and I returned to his apartment and was finally able to have his hard cock inside of me. It was a very nice way to end the night.

Endings

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 05:54:49 GMT

I have not posted in awhile and during that time a lot has happened. The main thing that plays on my mind though, is the ending of my relationship with Patrick.

Even though it was a mutual decision and I know it is probably for the best, the ending of what I shared with Patrick is very hard. We are still friends, it was not a bitter ending, I believe we will still be able to hang out and do much of the same things we used to. But at the same time it will be very different.

I really did not think it would hurt as much as it did. I fully believed I would not be as effected by it as I was. But looking back I realized all my past break ups lead to feelings of pain due to the sense of rejection more then anything else, and were therefore easier to deal with and to get over. With this break up, it is a intense feeling of loss I am experiencing and it is much harder to deal with.

As I said we are still friends and we will still be able to hang out at times. But as I have also said it will be very different. To enter the realm of 'just friends' with someone whom I had such a strong physical connection with is very hard. I am a very physical person, touch is very important to me, and with Patrick the physical intimacy was very strong. It meant a great deal to be able to touch him and be touched by him in return.

The ending of the sexual aspect of our relationship is a very hard thing to deal with as well. I know sex is not everything but I am a very sexual creature and to me sex is very important. With Patrick I was able to fully indulge my sexual nature. He matched my sexual needs and satisfied me greatly. With him I was able to delve into my fantasies of submission and my desire to be dominated. With him I was able to give into my need to please him and to serve him. I called him Master for a time, and it would be a lie to say I don't still want him in that way. My longing to be able to submit to him, my desire to please him in every way sexually is still very strong.

I did not realize what it was going to be like to lose what I had with Patrick. To lose something that means a great deal to you, with someone you care very deeply about is very hard. But like everything else it will get easier with time. How much time it will take, I do not know.

9 Degrees of Submission

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 16:02:38 GMT

http://femsubmission.bondage.com/9degsub.html

Found this link from a post own_me_break_me made. It is interesting to read. It was hard to place exactly where I rank, its a bit of a toss up, but I think if I had to choice I would say...

#6- UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE - Really gives up control (usually within limits). Wants to serve and be enslaved by the dominant; wants to provide practical/nonerotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the "slave" is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of agreed-upon several days). May or may not have long term relationship. Either way, the "slave" has the final say over when she will serve.

a submissive who can't submit

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 04:18:31 GMT

Its hard to describe but I need to stop being so...needy. I noticed this today, I was feeling rather horny in work and felt the urge to message Pat and let him know. "I wish your cock was in my mouth right now" was my message to him. "I know" was his response. Am I that consistently horny? Yes, I pretty much am. But something about this exchange bothered me.

I think I came to some understanding as to why on my ride home. I give too much of myself to him. I am not talking about giving too much of myself sexually. As hard as it is I have been able to pull back in our sexual interactions. I no longer call him Master and I always try to have a sense of control over myself, even in a state of submission. As much as I want to I never allow myself to fully submit, even if I am just able to have a sense of mental control over myself.

I am thinking more of along the lines of giving too much of myself in other ways. I am always the one in the vulnerable position, always the one saying how much I need him, or want him. Always thinking about ways I could please him, things I could do that he might like. Having submissive tendencies its hard not to have that mindset, but I need to try to get myself out of that mode with him. He is not my Master, he is not my Dom, he is not my boyfriend. I should not be devoting so much thought to him and to pleasing him. I need to remember the level of our relationship.

cravings

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 22:39:05 GMT

I know I am doing the right thing but damn it, I feel like I am going through withdrawals.

I think about being dominated all the time. I dream about it, I daydream about it, I create little fictional scenarios in my mind when I have nothing else to accompany it. Its driving me nuts. Hopefully it will pass but I am not sure when. Ohh, to be able to give up complete control to him again. To call him Master, to care about nothing but pleasing him, serving him *sigh*

Grrr, I can overcome this, I can be strong... but its soo hard. Complete submission, mmmm, how I miss it.

inner strength, damn it

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 23:05:24 GMT

I have been doing really well with my confidence lately. Certain realizations about my relationship with Pat have helped me with that. I have been able to pull back a little and begin to feel stronger. I was doing really well with it too, until last night.

All I wanted was to submit completely to him, to sever only him, to please only him. I wanted so badly to call him Master again. The desire to do these things was overwhelming, even though I knew I couldn't. I do now understand that our relationship is not one in which I can do such things any longer. I thought I was ok with it, but as last night proves it can be a lot harder then I thought.

It is just hard to break out of my need to submit to him. I have called him Master and even understanding what I do now, a part of me still sees him and wants him in this way. I should have probably not ventured into such areas with him. I should have realized the possible emotional effects of giving up so much control to another. I should have realized his feelings for me were not as strong as I wished and never would be. But I did not. Maybe the small part of me that knew was pushed to the back by my desire to fully experience in the flesh such things that I had mostly only dreamed about. My desires to serve, to please, to be in the control of another were very strong, especially with him.

Now I must work on dealing with these desires. I now know the things I had failed to see earlier and with this knowledge I am trying to pull myself back. As yesterday proves I still have to work at it a bit.

my picture and our online conversation

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 20:41:13 GMT

Him: Very nice.
me: I don't know but for some reason it makes me think of you
Him: Why's that, do you think?
me: I have a few reason in my head but I don't really want to say
Him: I think you should say.
me: I feel silly
Him: Then feel silly.
me: no its lame I am not saying it
Him: Tell me.
me: I can't
Him: You will.
Him: Morgan.
me: ok
me: its a picture of my ass but I look at it, the way it is positioned, all I can think is its yours. it belongs to you, it is there for you
Him: Of course it is.
Him: That's not silly.
me: so I see this picture and I think of you
Him: As well you should.
Him: There are many positions that you belong to me in

Grrr... damn him, but he's right.

kink quiz

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 22:17:28 GMT

Take the quiz:
What Is Your Kink?

Submission
You live to serve! You're most excited when someone else takes the reins and controls the situation. You're happy to do whatever will make your partner happy, even if it isn't your favorite thing to do. In the bedroom, you aim to please. Your motto is, Yes Sir/Ma'am!

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Not surprising... though I was close to having Exhibitionism as my result. Interesting, since they seem a bit contradicting.

starting with a dream

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 02:10:13 GMT

Now every so often I will dream of a Master/slave type dream. These dreams are few and far between, but when they occur they are incredible. I can almost vividly recall each one I have ever had. I am hardly ever myself in these dreams either. I am another women and most times I am in another place and time all together. Such as an old Roman city of the past. The dream I had the other night was very different, I was myself in the dream and Pat was there and we were in his apartment.

There was alot more in this dream but this is the only part I can truly recall. We were sitting in his kitchen, though the apartment really didn't look the way it does in reality. We were sitting in chairs facing each other with a blanket wrapped around us. He was whispering to me the things he sometimes likes to tell me such as, "You do what I wish you to do. You please only me." Things of that nature. Someone walks into the apartment, someone we knew and were expecting. He comes over to us and tells Pat, with a certain amount of disapproval "It looks like you are chastising her." To which Pat replied "She likes it." I needed to greet this person but I found myself looking at Pat for permission to do so, he nods to give me his approval. The rest of the dream is fuzzy.

I awoke feeling quite turned on. I awoke feeling as I felt in the dream, my only desire being to please and serve him. He awoke, I rested my head against his chest and told him about my dream. I think it pleased him that I dreamt of him in such a way. His hands sought my body and I cried out when he entered me.

Later that night I returned to his house. I immediatly knew what kind of night it was going to be when he pushed me down on the bed and tore off my clothes. He used his belt on me that night, two rather light lashes, one on each cheek. His hands inflicted more pain then the belt did. I had to ask permission to take him in my mouth and beg him to put himself inside me. It was a night I will not be forgeting anytime soon.

prior knowledge

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 20:53:49 GMT

I went to the doctors today and found out I have a urinary tract infection. Not fun. But at least now I know the source of my discomfort and have antibiotics to clear it up. I was rather surprised when the doctor failed to mention the antibiotic's effect on birth control and it wasn't until I brought it up that she recommended using condoms while taking them. One would think that would be something they would mention especially to women they know are on the pill. My friends doctor failed to inform her of the lessened effects of the pill due to taking antibiotics and she became pregnant as a result. Because of her unfortunate experience I know the possibility of such an occurrence, I am just surprised the doctor did not warn me herself of such a possibility.

What to do with myself

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 02:44:12 GMT

Well my New Years Eve is now free. I thought I would be performing on New Years, but the gig we were supposed to have fell through. I suppose this is a good news, bad news deal. The good news, I now have my New Years Eve free to do what I wish. The bad news, I am losing out on the nice pay I would have recieved for working that night. And really, what does it matter that I now have New Years Eve free? I rarely have anything to do that night anyways. Thats why I wasn't overly upset to have to give up that night for work. Ahh well, this time I will find something to do, and it will definitly not include standing outside, freezing and watching fireworks. We shall see what I can come up with.

a certain pleasure

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 02:13:14 GMT

I am always amazed by how easy it is to arouse a man. It makes me smile really. I do not say this in a patronizing or mocking way, though I do laugh about it at times. I speak of it in a loving way, for this is something that is very pleasing to me. Such reactions can be very useful. When I am in great need of sexual fulfillment it does not take much to make their need great as well, even if they are not really in the mood. I find myself very grateful for a man's ability to be easily aroused.

I was lying in bed, he was sitting on the bed putting on his shoes. I crawled over to him and rested me head against his arm. He was leaving for work and was saying we would see each other soon. Softly, I told him "I hope so because I only had you inside my mouth very briefly last night." His arousal was apparent. That mere words can create such a reaction gives me great pleasure. It was a shame he had to leave for work.

we'll have something interesting to write about

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 04:42:11 GMT

The last few days have transpired pretty poorly. I got very sick, missed lots of school, and found out some really crappy news about my family's financial state. It is starting to come together though, I am feeling better, I will be getting back to school tomorrow and I've had alot of support with this family crisis. So I have decided not to spend this journal entry writing details about the bad things that have been happening and rather look into what transpired Sunday night.

Many times when Pat asks me over it has more of a 'come over if you want' feel to it. Not that he doesn't want me to come over, I know he does but sometime it is more obvious then others. Sunday night it was clear that he wanted me. When I told him I had a few things to do before I could come over, he replied

"Worry not...but I expect you to be here tonight"

Such a response gave me chills of the best kind. My sexual relationship with Pat is varied. We play the Master and slave relationship in our sex life, but not consistently. The above response gave me an idea of what kind of night it might be.

That we are not consistent in our use of the Master and slave roles can be rather confusing for me. At times I don't know how to answer questions that he might ask me. For example there are times when he asks me "Do you want me inside of you?" and my automatic answer of just "yes" can lead to punishment. That happened quite a few times Sunday night. Its not that I mind the punishment, quite the opposite, but I feel that if we were more consistent in the use of such roles I could be more adequate in my role as a slave.

I will admit I thoroughly enjoyed his reactions to some of my inadequacies. At one point he asked me to tell him what I wanted, to which I did. Apparently I did not respond in the appropriate manner because I was immediately slapped, grabbed by the neck and told, "That sounded like a command, you DO NOT command. What do you do?" Unable to manage more then a whisper I responded, "I ask. I beg."

The night was incredible, Patrick played his role exqiusitely. It heighten my excitement and my desire for him. The next day however the roles were dropped, as is the way it seems to work. My simple responses of just "Yes" did not bring the slightest reprimand. Its simple really, Pat doesn't have the desire to play the role of my "Master" all the time. But as Sunday night proves, it is alot of fun when he does.

My purpose described

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 03:20:00 GMT

I made this journal for the main reason of allowing myself a place to write freely about my thoughts and experiences in sex or things of a sexual nature. I have another journal, whose main purposes include documenting my dance training, posting pictures, writing about performances and of course writing and releasing all my cares, worries and concerns as they come upon me. For a number of reasons I feel unable to fully express my feelings about my sex life nor do I feel I can write freely about the my sexual explorations in the aforementioned journal. Perhaps the main reason is the number of younger girls who read my other journal. They added my journal to their friends page to read about my progress in flexibility and other like minded stuff, I am not sure how they would feel if I went into a description of my experiences in bondage. Plus there are also a couple of people on my list who might be hurt if I went into detailed accounts of my sex life. Of course I have the option of placing such writings behind a link or editing who gets to read those entries, but I would rather not have such restrictions placed upon me. Thus this journal has been created. I hope it will serve its purpose.